“I have something to ask you, but I know it is not the right time,” Kenneth seemed to stutter a bit when he spoke that.
“I would want to be your boyfriend. I want to take care of you and care for you and your son too,” Kenneth seemed to shoot out the words at one go and I could not catch it at once until when I recalled the words that he said in my head.
“I would give you some time to consider what I have just mentioned to you,” Kenneth spoke in a slower manner, without giving me any time to react to it.
“I do not know what to say seriously, but right now, I just want to be alone,” my mind seemed to wandering elsewhere with the subconscious spurting out of words without me knowing it.
As I put down the phone without saying a good bye, I seemed to be in a loss of what to do. As I looked at the photos with my mother and me, I lied down on the bed and I closed my eyes. I was immersed into the deep ocean of thought or perhaps into a realm of dreams…..
“Clara, Why are you so late? Are you hanging out with him again?” my mother was at the door as she looked at the watch anxiously.
I did not expect her to be waiting at the door. I thought my whole family was fast asleep and I could try my luck sneaking into my room and perhaps call Steve but I knew that it would not be possible for tonight.
Knowing the soft nature of my mother, I knew that I would get away with it if my father was not at home. Sometimes he would come home later than I do. I prayed hard that he was not sitting at the sofa when I came in.
“Clara! Why do you come home so late again? Giving your body cheaply to another man again? ” my father’s yelling with a generous amount of spitefulness in his voice.
“He is not just another man, he is my….” I retorted back in sheer defiance which was interrupted by a tight slap by him which I strangely did not feel any pain at all.
“Clara, you better listen up. Since you like to be with him, stay with him then. We do not welcome whores or sluts in this home,” my father roared with ferocious malice, his thin wizened face seemed to distort with every word that came out of his mouth.
Things seemed to fast forward very fast and all of a sudden, I was with Steve in his bedroom.
“Clara, I want it,” Steve plunged his lips into mine as he started to pull off my pants and lifted up my tee shirt. His voice was barely audible.
“No, I am not ready for it,” I tried to communicate my words out but in the end no words seemed to be coming out of my mouth.
“Clara, you are so attractive and pretty. Don’t you love me? If you love me, we should make love. I really love you a lot,” I could not hear what he said but I could lip read from his mouth very clearly as he remove my tee shirt and stripped my bra and panties off my body.
It was blurry as I could feel myself naked in front of him as Steve removed his clothes at a faster pace upon seeing my naked form. As he pushed me to his bed, I could feel him on top of me. As I was young and innocent, his sweet words made me give my virginity to him. It was not enjoyable at first but when I felt more comfortable, I could feel the pleasure that he had given to me. Although it was so surreal, it was a wonderful experience that I had with him.
It was strange when I slept soundly beside him and the next moment, I was going towards my door. It seemed like it was morning as there were people around me walking around as if preparing to go to school or work. I realised that I was hardly wearing anything and I covered myself as much as possible with my hands, but yet the people around me don’t seem to notice me or even look at me. I seemed to be self-conscious of myself as I quickly ran home.
“Clara, you are not allowed in this home anymore. These are two suitcases for you to bring to your new home,” the notice on the door read.
Thinking that I would need to get my clothes from the suitcase to cover myself, I was shocked when I saw one of the suitcases full of photos of Steve and I in bed. I closed the suitcase abruptly and opened the other one.
“ARGHHHHHHH!” I stumbled backwards as I fell on the ground. It was Steve cut into pieces with a motorcycle helmet still on his head.
As I woke up, I straight away looked around to see where I was. I was still in the bedroom, the photos were still on my lap. It was a nightmare as I heaved a sign of relief. As I looked at my mobile phone, there were no calls or short messages and it was already nearly three in the morning. As I cleared off a few beads of perspiration, I went back to sleep again.
As the days went by, Kenneth’s incessant short messages were ignored. I just wanted to avoid him. I did not know why but I hoped he understood my stand. I told Andy to handle all arrangements of tuition lessons and all other matters with Kenneth so as to avoid him.
It was the weekend once again. I walked along the uneven pavement towards the temple slowly in the late afternoon. My aunt told me the location of my mother’s ashes. I looked down at the random puddles of water filling the small gaps and holes in the pavement. My umbrella was sufficient to only shelter one person as the pelting of huge raindrops on the ground seemed to be like an onslaught of small hailstones hammering onto the helpless ground which was under the mercy of the natural elements of the weather. The raindrops on the umbrella seemed to be making a rhythmic noise in the background. My pace turned from a slow one to an eventual stop.
As I looked up at the temple, the size of it seemed to want to devour me anytime. As I put my hands together and did a smaller prayer in front of the Buddha statue, I stepped into the premises. As I walked past columns and columns of urns, my eyes scanned for my mother’s photo. My reaction was slow when I took a glimpse at each photo, making sure that I did not leave her out. Finally I found my mother’s photo and I peered closer to double confirm. As I stood there, I could not help but shed a tear. Looking around me, there was nobody around at sight.
“Mama, bless Andy and I and hope that you can bring me guidance to my life. I am really confused now,” I stood there with my eyes half-closed as my voice was hardly audible.
“Hi Clara, I really missed you. Why did you avoid me?” a familiar voice rang from the left hand side of my ear.
“Kenneth?” I was surprised that he was just a few metres away from me.
“How did you find out where I was?” my inquisition somewhat turned a little hostile as I did not expect him to see him here but I did not want to turn him away immediately.
“I followed you, and I also wanted to pay my respects to auntie,” he bowed his head slightly in the direction of my mother’s photo.
He did not ask about why I ignored him, he just stood silent in front of my mother’s photo, seeming to offer a prayer in his mind as his eyes were close.
As we walked out, I felt awkward as I did not know what to say to him or to portray what kind of feelings towards him. I did not know whether to be elated, sad or angry when I saw him.
“Why did you ignore me?” his question popped out as we stepped out of the temple premises.
“I just wanted to be alone. I just…” my words came out two to three words at a time as confusion set in.
“You know how worried I was. Why must you avoid me? I don’t want you to be alone like this. I want to be with you. I want to take care of you,” Kenneth’s emphasis on his feelings towards me was not surprising.
“I just want to be alone for a while. My mother had passed away and the next moment, you come and ask me to be your girlfriend. What is wrong with you?” I had the urge to give him a slap on the face without any reason.
A smack came across his face as I subconsciously gave him a slap. I looked at my hand in disbelief of what I had done and I looked at his expressionless face.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it. I am just under a lot of pressure,” I looked at him with concern as I touched his face.
At that moment, his arms wrapped around my waist as his arms seemed to wave an invisible force that made me almost fall into his embrace. As I cried, I put my hands around his waist tightly. I did not know why but I would not want to let go. It was so comforting to be hugged by him.
“Its ok, Clara,” he patted me as I felt so helpless in his embrace.
“Let me send you home,” he held my hand and led me to his car.
It was a strange feeling when I sat in his car. The feeling of me being inside it was different from the very first time when I sat in his vehicle. A feeling which I cannot describe, a moment which I cannot fathom.
As he stopped in the car park just below my home, the sky was very dark. It was unusual as it was only seven in the evening. As the sky turned maroon red, it began to drizzle. As the raindrops made a synchronous sound on the window panes on the car, I felt nice and cosy in my seat.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I felt startled as I turned to my right to see him staring at me.
“I just miss staring at you. I want to stare into those pairs of eyes. Those pairs of eyes which can talk to me, are so beautiful and alluring. Clara, do you know that I felt very hurt when you ignored me for a few days?” Kenneth’s words seemed to break my emotional resistance bit by bit, the inhibition of me seemed to be peeling with every word that spilled from his mouth.
“Why do you like me so much?” my question seemed to be in denial of the inevitable.
At that moment when I finished my question, he grabbed my shoulders and kissed on my lips. To my surprise, I did not expect that to happen and I quickly pulled away.
“Did I give you the permission to kiss me like this?” my words were alternating between fake defiance and injured innocence.
As my lips came to a close from my question, I grabbed his head and french-kiss him. I did not care how to react, but I knew that it was fate that we had to be together. I wanted to give everything to such a man who cared and showered concern for me even though I acted defiant and nonchalant in front of him.
As he held my waist, the kiss seems to transcend beyond liking of each other. It was so passionate that we knew that we had fallen in love for each other once again in a much deeper and unfathomable fashion. I felt that I could not live without him and I could feel that the feeling was vice versa.
As our lips parted, we panted and our breaths were deep as we inhaled deeply.
“I have something to tell you, but I do not know if it’s the right time,” I smiled at him as I outlined his cheeks with my fingers.
What would she tell her? find out in part 7!!
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