Alone….Maybe not. (part 5)

Hi everybody. Sorry for the delay. Apart from work committments, I had to pause for a few times when I wrote Part 5. When i wrote part 5, I really felt for the protagonist. I could not help but break down and cry too. Sometimes, when I write and I could not continue, it would just be the best way to relax my stresssed mind and so I could go into a different state to sleep. Thanks for your patience and understanding for the delay of part 5...

The story breaks down....

As I listened to the initial statement, I could not help but became stunted not knowing what to do….

“Your mother has passed away. She had been battling cancer for years. She died in her sleep peacefully late last night. I would send you a short message of the address for you to attend the wake, but I am not sure if my brother would make a scene if he sees you there,” the voice repeated as I did not respond to what the other side of the line said earlier.

“Thanks, auntie Carol,” I did not know how to react as I felt that my tears wanted to fall but yet could not and put down the phone without saying a goodbye.

“What happened?” Kenneth asked with much concern.

“My mother has passed away,” I could not help but torrents of tears came raining down my cheeks.

“I don’t have the courage to see her. I feel I let her down too much,” I tried to mince out the words in between my sobs.

“You would let her down even more if you do not see her for the very last time. I believe she would want you to do that no matter what you had done in the past. Trust me ok?” Kenneth’s words seemed to have cajoled me easily into taking in his advice.

“Listen to what I say. You take a day off alright? I do not think you are in the right frame of mind to go to work, bring Andy along and go to the wake. I could fetch you there and just hang around near there for a while,” Kenneth’s words were comforting as I nodded my head like a small child in front of him.

“Andy, your grandmother has passed away. I know you have not seen her before but I would want you to pay your last respects to your grandmother. Please do behave yourself at the wake, ok?” I was outside the school compound as Kenneth was waiting in the car nearby.

“Mummy, can I not go? I do not know who she is,” Andy did not sound defiant but seemed clueless of whether to follow my instructions.

“You must go Andy. She is after all your grandmother. Be obedient ok?” I cajoled him and he nodded his head slightly with agreement.

“Teacher, how are you? I did not see you for quite long already. How come you knew about what had happened?” Andy seemed to be trying to relate Kenneth with us.

“Well, don’t ask so much. He would be fetching us to the wake. Boy, do not be rude to your elders when you reach there and behave yourself. I remind you again,” I did not know why I was so long-winded but I just wanted to make sure that he understood what I was saying.

“What are you doing? You do not deserve to see her. You are not fit to be our daughter. Go away with your son,” my father’s face twisted in anguish as his eyes fastened on Andy’s face and his expression showed that he was both perturbed and displeased.

“She is after all my mother. Andy is her grandson. I believe we should at least pay our last respects to her,” I put on a brave front with aplomb as I was on the verge of breaking down upon seeing her photo in front.

I was adamant as I knelt down in front of my mother’s photograph.

“Kneel down in front of your grandmother. Do not worry so much about your grandfather. Just do as I said,” I held his hand tightly as I looked up to his confused look.

As I saw my father raised his hand wanting to slap me, I stayed there without moving an inch. I was prepared to be hit or abused but I would not budge.

“Allow her to stay. Please do not create a scene here,” my aunt raised her voice to my father and that was when he put down his hand as if not wanting to offend his eldest sister.

As I went to the coffin to see my mother’s face, she did not change much from the very last time I saw her so many years ago. As the floodgates of memories opened, I could not help but torrents of tears rained down my cheeks. Due to exhaustion and tiredness of the long hours of work that I had for years, I felt my legs trembling. It was unbearable as I tried to support my weak legs with my arms on the edges of coffin. The memories both happy and sad moments with my mother when I was a child and teenager cried out for more embellishments on my mother’s face: A hopeful twitch of any facial muscle on her face which could portray any expression that matched to anywhere close to the past moments that we had, a sign of communication through her eyes to mine which were almost identical not only in terms of the physical attributes in our eyes but also the spirit in those eyes.

“Don’t take it too hard,” I did not know that my aunt was behind me for quite some time as I seemed to be waken up from a stupor by her words.

“Goodbye, mama,” I spoke in my head as I looked at her.

My aunt seemed to want to continue on but she stopped as she looked at the state I was in. I did not care what the other relatives or friends thought of me. As I led Andy out, I just stared blankly at everybody else.

“Jiejie. I miss you very much,” a young man in his twenties suddenly spoke in my direction.

I almost could not recognise him from the sea of faces at the wake. I was very glad that he grew up to become a fine young man. His sharp features resembled his father. His eyes were like his mother. Once a young boy whom I had always taken care of and loved a lot, he was now a sturdy man with a slight muscular frame who was one head taller than I am.

I wanted to acknowledge him but I did not know why I turned my head away from him. Deep in my mind, I hoped he understood why I did such a thing. It was painful enough for me and I did not want to linger on the premises for another second. As I bit my lip, I just walked past him. The many faceless people that I went past made comments and even hurled abuses at me. All of that unwanted noise was filtered out of my mind as the sound travelled to my eardrums.

“Andy, be good and go home and do your homework. I need to talk to your tutor for a while,” I instructed Andy as Kenneth’s car reached to our home.

“Can you accompany me for today? Just drive me out of this neighbourhood,” Kenneth was accommodating as he nodded.

The silence in the car was deafening. My tear-stained face and my frowns seemed to have made Kenneth silent throughout the journey. I did not have any more tears that I could cry out for they had gone into my heart. Overwhelmed by immense grief, the pain in my chest seemed to be unbearable but I seemed to be numb from that pain. I wanted to utter a word but I could not as I felt a constriction in my chest which prevented me from doing so.

“Are you alright?” Kenneth finally broke the silence after he had drove about nearly fifteen minutes.

“Yes and no,” my whisper was hardly audible as I seemed to use a lot of effort to overcome that constriction to say something so contradicting to a simple statement.

As we reached the same park that we went the other day, it was already evening.

“Kenneth, I really thanked you for what you have done for me so far. I do not know how to express how I feel in words to the fullest extent,” I was startled with my own eloquence as I felt the constriction easing away.

“Its amazing how we knew so much about each other in a short span of not even a month when we actually had known each other for more than six months already,” Kenneth spoke as he used his fingers to comb my slightly disheveled hair.

“Things just happened so fast when they all come together. I do not know whether I have the courage and mental strength to face them all,” my fear and uncertainty built up within me was assuaged by his left arm around my shoulder as he tucked my head on top of his shoulder.

As I felt tiredness seeping into my body, I could not help but put my hands around him and took a nap…..

“Wake up, You are back home already,” Kenneth nudged me as I suddenly woke up realizing that I was already near my home.

“Thanks , Kenneth. I feel much better after a nap,” I realised that I had slept for the past four hours and Kenneth was beside me all these while.

As I waved goodbye to him, he smiled a little as I went up to my home, my steps were heavy with each step. I was exhausted from the events that happened in the day but at the back of my mind, the mental suffering of losing my mother was still lingering in me.

As I eyed the drawer, I did not know whether to open it. As I opened the drawer, the photo album seemed to stare at me. As I took the photo album out, the dust which flew up in the air made me cough a little. As I saw the first few photos which were my parents’ wedding photos, they were followed by pictures of my family. As I stared intensely at the pictures of my mother and myself, I did not know how to react. I had no more tears to shed. I just smiled slightly as I touched the photos with my fingers, outlining the face of my mother.

“Sorry, mother for what I did last time when I was not matured. I hope you can bless me and Andy,” I spoke unknowingly aloud.

As I was too engrossed with what I was doing, I did not know that Kenneth had called me. I realised that he had called me a few times but my mobile phone was put on silent mode and I had missed five of his call.

“Thank goodness that you had answered. I was worried when you did not pick up my phone call for a few times,” Kenneth’s anxiety over the phone was very obvious.

“I am alright. I was busy just now and I am trying to sleep now,” I reassured Kenneth calmly.

“I have something to ask you, but I know it is not the right time,” Kenneth seemed to stutter a bit when he spoke that.

-the end-

What is Kenneth going to tell Clara?

Find out in part 6!